Get some popcorn, this could take a while: An Update on Me.

Since my last post, I finished building my truck, drove it for a little while (A very great time), it broke down and has sat for over a year now, I got my sports coupe, I've played with it plenty, it still runs, I've graduated with my associates degree despite some really whack teachers and tests, I'm going back to school (Back, heh, I never left) for my bachelors degree, Still dating Kate (2 1/2 years :O ) don't know how she has put up with me for so long, I'm working 2-3 jobs depending on the week, Holly is no longer interested, and Em found a great guy last time I talked to her (I'm still proud I got Em through a long dark time without her killing herself) and seems quite happy. My work has been both terrible and great depending on the day, my pool game has gotten quite exquisite, I haven't ground a balisong blade since last fall I think, the skate rat family has pretty much fallen apart, the ricer crew is in the middle of their annual falling out where no one talks to anyone else, I'm lucky if I sleep in my own bed two or three nights a week anymore (Crashing at the apartment in C-Bridge), I've got more than $200 running around that I've loaned out to friends, I expect to see about $100 of that ever again, and not anytime soon. I honestly can't call any church "mine" right now, the one I spent so many years in I can barely walk in the door of without wanting to turn around and walk out because of the things that went down/are going down there, my parents church I can't really click with (Methodist church, great place, great people, not my people), and a church that i thought was perfect, the youth pastor left and it went south so fast I couldn't believe it. I've been there only occasionally, and not sure what to do with it. My walk has suffered from not being in church every time the doors are open, I can say that with the utmost confidence. School sucks about as much as ever, I have one person I would list as a "friend" in any of my classes, and I had classes with her three years ago when I first started. :) 

So what sparked this random post since I haven't been here in so long? An order, yes; an order I had completely forgotten about. An order that was placed in early 2010, just shy of two years ago, from a man I thought had died since then because he never contacted me after that. But no, he seems quite healthy, and calls me back to a time when life was a whole lot different. A time when I posted here regularly, was in the shop grinding away in the cold till the wee hours of the morning, and probably had "it" more together than I have "it" now. So back to the shop I go, with brass and steel and belts in hand, to fashion something beautiful for an old friend that simply believed in me and what I could do. The only person that ever looked at my work the way he does for sure, and if it was anyone else I would probably tell them i don't have the time. But for him, I will make the time, and I will re-make good ol' #8, and perhaps finally get the elusive #14 finished, and in a few months, perhaps #20. We shall see. 

Well, till my next mental break down or blast from the past strikes me, This is me, signing off. 

~Jeff W 

SO, had a  psychology test today. Exam number Three. Abnormal Psychology is the class. The teacher said last week she was going to post us a study guide just like she had before, I wasn't overly thrilled with her last study guide but it was better than nothing. She never posted one. She did open up the quizes online that she said she was going to open, they are all rediculasly hard and not worth even wasting your time on.THen we start the test. OH BOY OH BOY. 30 questions long, the friggen witch printed out the online test that she had posted as an option if we didn't want to come into class. YES, you read that right. SHE PRINTED PAGES OFF THE INTERNET AND THEN COPIED IT AS OUR TEST. So they loook like crap and are not formulated right, that I can deal with. What I couldn't deal with is that I had never learned ANY of the information it was requesting in class. I had seen three questions off the whole test before, where? In the online quizzes. It was asking about things we had never been taught, information that wasn't even in the book, and was asking the questions in formats that even if the info was in the book it was worded so different you'd never know it. I felt like SCREAMING while I was taking the test, gave up trying and just guessed on all of them cause it wasn't worth even bothering with. I'll gurantee I got a C or worse on the test, honestly that makes me mad as anything but right now I don't friggen care, and i wouldn't have gotten any better of a score if I was STILL sitting in class bashing my head off the table trying to figure it out. Came out of class feeling like I wanted to put my hand through a wall, window, computer, CAR, anything! I was sooooo friggen ticked off, it was very difficult to not just stand up and start cussing out the teacher after I started taking the test, and I still wanted to when I walked out.  Heck, i STILL want to go scream and cuss at her. I've had teachers throw out some lousy tests in college, but this witch really takes the cake.  (On a side note, "Stax" the library cat just walked up and got some loving from me, he's a funneh kitteh Yes, I actually petted/played with a cat and didn't hurt it, and actually enjoyed petting it, thats how messed up I am over this Psych test......... And its a long haired BLACK cat, who tried to scratch me while he was playing around........ I'd hate to know how people with Cat Alergies react when they walk into the library on campus here )

 

 ANYWAY< rant off......

 Its been almost six months for me and Kate now, she really is great. I tried to call her and talk to  her to calm me down after the test but her phone was out of service :( I know she would have calmed me down and I would have gotten off the phone smiling, she always knows j ust what to say or do to cheer me up. Well,,,,, I dunno what I'm gona do next...... but I'm gona end this post :) ITs long kinda sorta.  Funny thing is, no one except maybe Kate or Jes will ever read this I don't think. Heck, I havent been on Xanaga in MONTHS myself. :) just haven't posted anything anywhere really.

 Later,

      ~Jeff W   (The miserable college student who misses Kate dearly)

Well, it's been a while since I was on here. I Finnaly posted that "gerber widget" thing because it wouldn't stop asking me, and I guess I got some credits out of it? Whoo hoo? I dunno. Anyway. Don't bother reading the rest of this, it goes into rant mode, and it's not worth reading.
*RANT ON*
 The past two weeks or so I've really been missing Clara. I've tried to get over her, forget about her, hate her, replace her, tell myself I deserve better......... nothing worked. I couldn't get over her, there was no way I could forget her since everything I see or do, and every place I go has a memory from me and her, I couldn't hate her, it just didn't work.  Half a dozen girls all at once can't replace her: A best friend, one to talk to through email, one to Chat with, one to talk to the phone on, one to spend time with, one to flirt with; and Clara is still the girl that I find in my dreams almost every night...... I still Love Her. I told her I would always Love her, and nothing would ever change that fact. That was a promise we both made to each other, I'm just the only one who kept it. Even after all she's put me through, after all the pain, after all the tears and wanting to bash my head of the walls; I'd take her back in a heart beat. If only she cared, if only she would do what I did for her. She ran away from me, and then a month later came back and wanted to be together again. I left a girlfriend who cared more about me than I can express in words to go back to Clara. I left his girl who Loved me, was a good Christian, was exactly the kind of girl I'd spent my whole life thinking I would marry someday. Clara is now dating an Atheist who buys her affection with expensive gifts and elaborate dinners purchased with money that he doesn't earn. I could never afford to do anything too grand for Clara because I had to earn every cent I ever got, but I tried to make sure I spent all that I could on her.  He supposedly treats  her great and has all these wonderful moral standings that make him a good guy, even though he hates the God that Clara has claimed to love and serve for a long time. And she wouldn't leave him if I begged her for a dozen years to do so.  I literally gave up everything that I had for Clara, she gave up a very tiny amount of things while we were dating, and then picked them all back up when she left. The things I gave up I can never get back, I've tried and it's simply impossible. So here I sit, a worthless washed up screw-up that is still madly in Love with her (A true Love, not just a passing fancy or infatuation, but an everlasting and unconditional Love) and can't move ahead even an Inch, let alone move on and get over her.  On top of that constantly perplexing problem that consumes my life, I have this problem:
 HOLLY AND EMILY. A 13 year old and 15 year old that are infatuated with me, and won't stop fighting over me (They are sisters). I'm good friends with both of them and their 17 year old brother, love hanging out with them and what not. They go to my church, I'm their ride to 4-H meetings, and it seems I can't get away from them. I don't want to date either of them, but no matter how many times I tell them that, they still say "That's ok, i/we love you anyway" and go right back to fighting over me.Thursday night after the band concert it hit an all time worst, to the point that their Dad was yelling at them to stop being so Ga-Ga over me( I was sad that it was making him yell at them, but at the same time completely supported what he was saying.....) I'm lost as to what to do with these girls. When it was just Holly, I could deal with it and ignore her fawning/drooling/ect. When it's both of them, it's just too much for me to deal with. I don't want to stop hanging out with them or being their friend, but they've taken it too far and wont stop even when I straight up tell them to. When their brother (Bradley) is around, it's not so bad. I can kinda deal with it. If he leaves the room to get a drink or answer the phone ect, all heck breaks loose. I'm lost on this, and any help/suggestions would be madly coveted.
When it was just Holly, I had the predicament of Edward in the cult-following movie Twilight (Pretty daNg good movie too, just for the record) where he wants to suck Bella's blood. I wanted to like her, to let myself like her, but she was FOUR YEARS younger than me. She was literally throwing herself at me, and I found myself wishing she was 16 so that I could date her. It felt so great to have someone who cared about me, and would want to talk to me, spend time with me, even date me. I haven't had that in soooooooooooo long, and I wanted it more than anything.  At the same time, I KNEW that I just couldn't date her, couldn't let myself like her, just couldn't even go there.   THEN, throw Em into the mix: She's a lot like Clara is/was. I mean, SCARILY so in some ways. Some of the things that I really liked about Clara, are true with Emily. SO, now i have a girl who's been fawning over me for two months and treating me like a god. And then also have a pretty girl that reminds me a LOT of the girl that still holds all the peices of my broken heart and is also treating me like a god. I found myself wanting to fall for BOTH of them, and then smacked myself upside the head and woke up. Now they fight over me continually, and it just annoys the snot out of me. I don't want to date either of them, if either of them were 16-17, I might consider it, but at 13-15 I'm just not even going to think about going there.  Now, I'm stuck with the two of them and I being thrown together a LOT. Church, 4-H, hanging out with their brother, ect........... I'm just lost. absolutely, positively, LOST on what to do with them.
*RANT OFF*
 anyway, yeah, that was a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG rant. I didn't force you to read it, I even told you to not read it. So it's your own fault for bothering to read it.

Have a scout camp out tonight, I'm going to leave here around four PM. be back home sometime tomorrow afternoon I think. I'm hoping it will be fun, I'm taking along two games I think. The one (Pass the Pigs) is a pricelessly fun table/board game I know they'll love. The other one (Dissapearing Scout Search, DSS for short) I'm not sure how it will work out, since it was a random idea I had yesterday that I kinda planned out in ten minutes. :) I think it will be fun for all of us, especially the DS (Dissapearing Scout) who gets to use the Ghilli Suit.

Kate woke me up by calling this morning, I like it when she wakes me up like that. Very few things can make me get out of bed smiling in the morning, Kate calling and waking me up is one of them. When her and I were kinda un-officially dating she did that a lot, and I really liked it then too, but it still makes my day go better even now. It's nice having a friend who cares, even if she does just like me as a brother.

Well, I think I'll go get some gear together and load it into the van, unless Kate texts my yahoo back in the next minute or two. Later!
         ~Jeff  TW Stuart